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WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
The Sun
ready to be harvested
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes