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Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
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Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.