If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
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[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Just a phase…
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.