Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
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For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
😜
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
True
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.