I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Me: This date is going well
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.