I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
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When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Nothing.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
The best plant holders?
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.