I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
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*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
saving face 👀
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch