I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
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Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
The honesty is refreshing
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Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…![]()
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.