I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
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one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I love art.
multitasking lunch
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Tremendous stuff
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
This made me chuckle.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase