Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
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What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Dune (2021)
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat