Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
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The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
getting groceries
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.