Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

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Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves


[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment


[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time


Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.


I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.


BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive


*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.


i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact


[first day as astronaut]


Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no


Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.