@Kateness8 Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
@BuckyIsotope Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
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@Kateness8 
@MariyaAlexander [trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
@ilovecuredmeats [crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
@JohnHilsen Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
@carlyken I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
@weirdralph BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
@msdanifernandez *conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
@Love_bug1016 i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
@TheAlexNevil [first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
@Hormonella Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.