Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
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OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?