My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
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Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why