person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
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Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Today’s Times
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people