“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
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honestly, i need both:
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
🐕🍷
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Always…