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covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Me irl
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit