If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
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[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa