When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
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And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”