Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
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Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*