If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
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So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music