Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
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HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.