Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
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me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Who’s your best friend?
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
the #horror is real!
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.