Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.