Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Now, where’s the sport in that?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.