You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
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Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Worst perfume name ever.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?