Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
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*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I’d hang this in my house.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Kids, do not try this at home!
BaD BoY!!
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…