I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
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FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”