Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Never forget.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin