I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
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What even happened today?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My dress code is business-casualty.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”