I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
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guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.