Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
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*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Sunday
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Oops