Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
You Might Also Like
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.