I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
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Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
What’s so funny?
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.