Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
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You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.