[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
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My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube