My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
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When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Alexa: *deep breath*
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably