Alexa: *deep breath*
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Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
yeah not falling for this one
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!