I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
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I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste