HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
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Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!