Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
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I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.