I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
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I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.