A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now