Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Batman v Dracula
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue