FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
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Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles