I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
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Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.