Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue