The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
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Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.