Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
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Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.