Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
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Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Feel. He’s so soft.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*