Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
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me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak