Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
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My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him