Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
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me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Xylophonist Shredding It
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.