Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
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Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.