*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
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ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Sign of the day..
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic