Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
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Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Hey i am sexy to you now
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
mom gave me mine for free
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE