I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
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Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.